First letter to Mom

Mom, I miss you.  There are days like today, maybe it’s the rain?, but I just hurt..  my chest hurts and I want to yell and cry about the unfairness that you are gone!  Regrets suck and they are like a magnet for my mind, it’s like self flagellating (does that mean gas or hitting one’s self?) but it does feel like a hair shirt or something that I have no control over.

A counselor asked me yesterday, who has my back.   I sobbed “my Mom”.  I know Rob does too but you are the one that I can discuss things that I can’t with him and now I’m sort of lost and afraid…. Just afraid of the void that you left.  I naively thought we could still communicate once you left your physical body and now I realize what an idiot I am.  I haven’t given up but sometimes, like today, I feel the same way I felt as a lost kid in the department store.  Just abandoned.   

I wish that the moment you left this earth wasn’t replaying in my mind.  I saw your eyes look up and beyond me, then there was nothing.  It bathes me in such grief.  I wanted to shake you and tell you that I lied!  I was not ready to let you go!  

I spend tears on thoughts of what I should have done or said.  I regret so many things Mom and it’s too late.  I’m so bogged down with these thoughts that they are covering up all of the things we did and said in preparation for your journey.  

I can medicate but that numbs out everything.  So my choice is to have this coating of sad or one of numb “don’t care about a thing”.  Please help me Mom.  I’ve not given up hope that we are still connected.

Sheryl